Something funny...

I mean...seriously??

I laughed...like, a lot.

"Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!!"

Trials & Tribulations....In the shoe aisle

Last week Roy and I decided to hit up

the new Nordstrom Rack that opened nearby.

Overall I was most impressed with the shoe selection.

I love boots.

Boots. Boots. Boots.

Unfortuantely, however, this wasn't one of my best

boot-shopping endeavors.

But boy, did they have alotta boots.

So I started frantically snatching them up like

I always do when I get excited to shop...

Me grabbing boots=wild cheetah catching last-living gazelle

I lugged my catch to a nearby bench where I started

excitedly trying them on.

Pair # 1) won't zip-up..dangit. Oh, well..they weren't that cute.

Move on.

Pair # 2) won't pull all the way up...crap. Stupid boots. Oh, well.

Pair #3) Won't zip-up....now I'm getting frustrated.

Aaaand repeat that scenario about 15 more times....

The picture you're left with is this...

Me, sweating profusely...stragle-y hair hanging in my face and

sticking to my forehead....

hopping up and down on one leg in these tiny aisles

 while muttering profanities and grabbing every boot I

can get my hands on-whether in my size or not.

From elsewhere in the store Roy texted me and 

this is how the conversation went down:

Ok..so resorting to violence might have

been a bit extreme...

however, I'm apparently a woman of extremes

(as-in extremely large calves....)

So maybe I'm justified in my anger...

Oh yeah, and thanks a lot babe...for your kind

and reassuring words...

Tree Trunk

nice. love you too.

The moral of this story peeps....

my calves are freakin' huge.

Exhibit A

Notice how the tiny triangle-shaped piece of elastic

at the top is being stretched to capacity??

Would. Not. Pull. On.

Stupid.

Ya know those elastic waisted pants old ladies wear??

Well I need elastic waisted boots.

Exhibit B

I mean, what is this???

This my friends, was how all but 2 pairs

of boots fit me.

2 of about 20 pair I tried to put on.

How can my legs be so much bigger than the average

persons? I mean, surely shoe companies

take some sort of leg-poll when they're deciding

how big to make their boots?

So I did what any modern,

 red-blooded American woman would do...

I came home and measured my calves.

15.5 inches.

Sounds reasonable...healthy.

And then I googled 

'average female calf circumference'

The common answer seemed to be

13-14 inches.

But wait... theres good news folks!!

Shoe companies are beginning to make

"Plus-sized boots" for women with calf sizes

ranging from 15-23 inches.

Oh yippee!!

 I can't wait to go back and ask the

salesman where their "Plus sized" boots are.

I'm sure the selection will be fabulous.

I stand defeated. 

Make that....I stand very squarely-firmly-heavily...

 defeated.

Hmph.

Birthday flashback!!

Today, the day before I turn 27...

I'm going to do a little birthday flash back...

but we're only going to be 'flashing back' as

far as the pictures on my computer will allow...

Here I am at 17...being a freakazoid...as per the norm

Here I am at age 18....

oh look at me, all bright and shiny in my senior pictures

Me at 19...this was taken just before my parents

moved out to the country from the home that I grew up in

:( I loved that house.

I just had to put this one in there cause

I think it's funny...and pretty typical of Kelly and I.

20 years old. Going to nursing school.

Being lame taking pictures of myself while driving....

Here I am on my 21st birthday with Grammy and Bill

at Macaroni Grill.

Hey, that rhymes....

Here I am on my 22nd birthday with my seester Kelly...

damn I was skinny...

Graduating from nursing school.

May 2007. I was 22 years old.

Here I am at 23-getting engaged!

February of 2008.

Our wedding day!

June 28th 2008

I was 23 years old.

June 2009. Moving into our first house.

I was 24 years old

Our home.

Well,  I guess that about sums up the interesting points of my life 

that have occured over the last 10 years.

aaaaaaand

Heres a few more pictures...just for giggles....

The End.

A funny thing happened at the Doctors office yesterday....

Oh to be a nurse....

It's great, really. And I feel really blessed 99% of the time.

Minus the times that I get puked, pooped, or peed on....

or the nights that my patients scream all night long....

but I guess thats the 1% difference  :)

And then there's those lovely spiders.

I hate spiders. Especially blue ones....

That live on my legs.

Oh yeah, add that to the Nursing list of 'cons'.

So, I finally took the time to schedule an appointment to see a Vein Dr. (a phlebologist?? A Veinologist??) anyways...

I figured I needed to get some compression hose. Sexy, right?? Ohhh yeeeaaah...

So my appointment was yesterday morning after I got off work with the very charming (and might I add handsome) Dr. B. They took the standard health and family history. They asked lots of questions about if my mom had vein/vascular issues and I begrudgingly informed them that No, my mom has NO visible veins...I'm just a freak of nature who has apparently decided to start her own family history. I guess bad veins have to start somewhere in the family tree, right? Why not with me!!?

They took some baseline photographs and then the super nice sonographer started the ultrasound. Dr. B came in somewhere this time and was chatting with us both and kind of giving me the low-down on all things vein-related. About 15 minutes into the sonogram the tech found an area in my upper right thigh that was pretty dilated and was having some reflux in blood flow. To determine this reflux, they squeeze your legs from below while watching with the ultrasound. She also had me bear down and tighten my stomach muscles to see if the bloodflow was altered.

Well, my friends...thats when things got embarrassing...and NO, I didn't fart. 

I passed out.

I dont know whats wrong with me! Was it all the valsalva-ing? Was I hypoglycemic? The squeezing of thighs too much for me? I've passed out before...but not since I was a kid! 

I started getting that light-headed-room-spinning feeling and the last thing I remember thinking to myself is; 

'No, Beth...No, you're so not going to pass out right now....'  

BOOM. 

MAN DOWN.

Next thing I know I'm laying on my back and I realize oh gosh, I fell asleep in the Dr.'s office....

How embarrassing!! I start muttering some mumbo-jumbo to the Dr about how embarrassed I am, I can't believe I fell asleep- I just got off work....

aaaand WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY LEGS UP IN THE AIR handsome Dr. B?? 

And ultrasound tech, why do you have a wet rag on my head??

OH MY GOD...say it aint so....I freaking passed out. 

What. a. WIERDO.

They made me lay there for about 10 minutes. And the sweet ultrasound tech ran and got me granola bar out of her lunch box! I could've just crawled under a rock. I must have looked like some sort of ghastly, pale-semblance of a human. I'm sure that my  mouth was hanging open and I was in full-on ugly sleep.

Ugh.

So Apparently, if anybody wants to take me out...just squeeze my right leg. 

So much for an Achilles HEEL.

I better get to writing my thank you card....

signed, The Freak That Passed Out  In Exam Room 1